Speaking with the Littles We Love: How to Get Your Toddler to Actually Listen
Do you ever tell your toddler not to do something, and they do it anyway? Do you find yourself wondering “how do I get my toddler to listen?” or “Why does my toddler do the opposite of what I say?” …If you're nodding yes, you're not alone. As a speech-language pathologist and parent, I totally get it. Sometimes I feel like I'm saying the same things over and over:
"Don't touch that!"
"Don't climb on that!"
"Stop grabbing!"
The broken record feeling can be so frustrating! But here's the thing—there's actually a reason our toddlers seems to ignore us, and it's not because they're trying to drive you crazy (even though it might feel that way sometimes!).
Why Your Toddler Doesn't Listen to "Don't"
Here's what's happening: toddlers don't fully understand negation—words like "don't," "stop," and "can't"—until around age 3. So when you say "Don't climb on that," they may not process that critical "don't" part yet.
Think about it this way: their little brains are still learning how language works. When they hear "Don't touch the vase," what registers most clearly is "touch the vase." The negative part? It often gets lost in translation.
And even if they do understand what you're saying, their impulse control doesn't really start developing until around age 3-4, and even then it's very limited. So they might know they shouldn't do something, but they literally can't stop themselves yet.
That's why they keep testing boundaries. It's not defiance—it's development.
The Simple Solution: Tell Them What TO Do
The good news? There's a simple way to give directions that actually works—and it's all about telling them what TO do instead of what NOT to do.
Instead of focusing on the behavior you want to stop, try giving positive, action-based instructions. This helps your toddler understand exactly what is expected of them—without confusion or frustration.
Real Examples You Can Use Today
Here are some simple swaps you can start using right now:
Instead of "Don't run!"
Try: "Let me see your walking feet"
Instead of "Don't throw your food!"
Try: "We keep food on the table"
Instead of "No hitting"
Try: "Let me see your gentle hands"
Instead of "We can't go now"
Try: "We can go later"
Instead of "Stop crying"
Try: "I see that you're sad"
Instead of "Don't touch that"
Try: "That stays on the counter"
Instead of "Stop grabbing!"
Try: "Let's take turns"
Notice the difference? You're giving your child clear, specific information about what you want them to do. This sets them up for success because they know exactly how to respond.
What If Positive Language Isn't Working?
If your child is still showing difficulty following directions even with positive language, remember to model the action you want to see. Show them what "walking feet" looks like. Demonstrate "gentle hands." Young children learn so much through imitation!
And if your toddler continues to struggle with following directions despite these strategies, it may be worth considering a speech-language evaluation. Sometimes there are underlying language concerns that can be addressed with the right support.
Your Free Valentine's Day Guide
I've created a special Valentine's Day freebie for you—a printable guide with even more examples of how to speak to the littles we love so they actually listen!
When toddlers understand what is expected of them, they feel confident and empowered to respond—and all it takes is a small shift in the way we speak to them!
Need more support? If you're looking for actionable strategies to encourage your toddler's speech and language development, or if you have concerns about your child's ability to follow directions, I'm here to help. Contact me today to learn more about speech-language evaluations and therapy.
Nicole Dobranski, M.S. CCC-SLP
Speech-Language Pathologist
Let's stay connected! Follow me on Instagram @speechrise for daily tips and toddler speech & language advice.